I know. I know. Star War fans hate spoilers, but I couldn’t resist. I wish I were stronger, but I needed to get a few of these out there so you guys can become acclimated to the new Star Wars universe that’s been created by Disney. Here ya go! 10 Spoilers from Solo: A Star Wars Story.

 

10. Han shoots first, second, and last!!!

Han is a stone cold killer. Men. Women. Aliens. Don’t matter to him. He shoots first, second, and last. Think about it.

Who walks into a cantina, sits in a corner where he sees all the exits, not intending to shoot someone? Someone who shoots first, second, and last. That’s who.

In Solo: A Star Wars Story, Han shoots everyone. Even Red Leader.

9. Jar Jar Binks lives in a trailer park

Gone are the decadent days of Princess Amidala.

Long since retired, and without a General’s pension, which he gambled away, in Solo we find Jar-Jar at the lowest of the lows.

He now performs in seedy bars under the stage name: Mesa Mesa. That’s where Han discovers the fallen figure, as Jar Jar rambles about Goober fishes and Gunga City. When Jar Jar tries to give Han an intimate performance of his self-written song: “How Wuuude!” Han shoots him first, second, and last.

8.”RWWWWWGGGGGG….. GGWWWRGHHH!!!!”

Those eloquent and poetic words. Songs have been made. Books written. Children have been named after those words. So contemplative, our dirty muggle tongues have no translation for it. Surely, these are the words Forrest Gump offered to that gathering at the Lincoln Memorial.

How, you say?

“Space.”

No matter. Those words, inspired by Hoosiers, will live through the ages.

7. Lando says, “Star Trek is better than Star Wars”

Surprised are you?

You shouldn’t be.

There are like three black guys in the Star Wars universe. Star Trek at least had a captain who was black. Plus, those clothes. Those capes. Who else in Star Wars dresses like that?

No one.

Now, Star Trek. That’s like half the aliens. And don’t me tbat Captain Kirk, isn’t Lando’s spirit animal.

6. Chewbacca is a deadbeat dad

For all of Chewie’s poetry, all artists are deadbeat dads in some respect.

Have you ever seen Chewie write a letter, send a postcard, write an email? No. Nor have I. Chewbacca is on a 200 year old trip to get milk from the store. Half the theater was aghast when a UNICEF commercial popped up featuring Chewie’s children.

5. “There’s no such thing as luck”

That’s all.

4. Chewbacca is covered in the fur of the younglings

If you came in repping the Chewbacca stan conglomerate, then this is the ugliest revelation from Solo.

Anakin wasn’t the only one who had a glow stick for the younglings.

Most people don’t know that Chewie was meant to be a Jedi. Here, we find out how much fear he had in his heart. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.”

Known as the “Youngling Massacre of 2536,” it sent a ripple so great through the force that Mace Windu remembered he was Samuel L Jackson kidnapped from earth. Suffice to say, Solo had more expletives than you’d expect.

Since then, like the war lords of Babylonian times, Chewbacca has been bathed in the fur of his victims.

3. Han is into furries

The bedroom scene between Han and Darth Maul (dressed as Chewie), while awkward, was mostly accepted by the audience. We’ve come a long way in this galaxy far, far away…

But it’s not really surprising. I mean, a guy and a fuzz ball stuck in a ship alone for, how long?

And Darth Maul seems like the kind of guy who’d be into that (The horns are a dead giveaway). I’d go into more detail, but the scene is too sensual and carnal to be given away frivolously here. Let’s just say that Maul is a rose petal kind of guy.

Though, I was amazed at how realistic his fur suit was. He took the time to get the accuracy of the younglings’ fur right. A sign of true love.

2. Lando is black

Personally, I still don’t believe this.

Yea, I know Lando said he loves Star Trek more than Star Wars for obvious reasons… but I don’t know.

There were a few guys from Indiana sitting by me who still can’t believe it. They don’t know how they were able to empathize with a suave pan sexual black guy.

Though they voted for Obama once, Lando still felt like a bridge too far.

Even when Lando announced, “Sit down. Be humble” we still couldn’t believe it. Few believed that this sunburnt saint could be black.

But once they saw Lando do the cha-cha slide in the middle of the cantina, we all had to admit to ourselves that Lando is in fact black.

1. Han is also black

I really questioned whether I should include this. It’s the biggest spoiler of Solo: A Star Wars Story.

But Han is black.

He made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, in the equivalent of an Escalade. He’s been in the deepest hoods: Tatooine, Corellia, and Jakku. In fact, Han’s been living the trap life his entire life. He’s nearly best friends with every gangster and smuggler in the galaxy: from Jabba to Lando. And who else would have gold dice hanging above their dashboard?

Don’t believe me?

Bet you didn’t know Glynn Turman was originally pegged to play Han Solo.

Still don’t believe me?

There’s at least one scene in Solo where Han swears on his baby momma’s grave that he did the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs. To which everyone says, “Good for you youngblood.”

And those are the biggest spoilers in Solo: A Star Wars Story. Spread! Spread these spoilers across the galaxy. From every cantina to every Death Star in the universe. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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